The Vine - News Blog

Coping with Grief and Loss During the Holidays: Part 1

In search of “trunk or treat” candy, I was walking through a local store and heard carols playing on the overhead speakers. Halloween candy and scary costumes sitting beside Rudolf, who was draped with twinkle lights. The “first” set of holidays are difficult enough, but possibly more so when Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas begin in September and overlap and finally end sometime around January 1^st. I can fully understand those who are dreading the holidays wishing they could to go to bed in October and awaken January 15. The sights, smells and sounds are constantly reminding us of what we’ve lost and sometimes they leave us in a cacophony of sights and sounds.

Here is an excerpt from Dr. Patrick O’Malley’s website on grief recovery:

 “A few years after our son died I was bathing our dog, and a profound surge of sadness came over me. It took me few minutes to realize that the scent of the antiseptic soap I was using to shampoo the dog triggered the memory of being in the NICU, scrubbing up to visit our son.

We know our loved one in a physical environment of sight, sound and scent. Depending on the length and involvement of our relationship, we have hundreds, if not thousands, of sensory connections to our loved one.

When you wonder how long grief takes, consider the myriad of ways you knew your loved one through your eyes, ears and nose. Often these sensory memories bypass your psychological defenses and go right to the core of your loss.

You are not lingering in your grief. Your senses do not forget.”

I could not agree more. Our senses do not forget. That being said, how do we prepare for the onslaught to our senses in the next 90 days of overlapping holidays?

Here are a few ideas to consider:

1. Accept that we “cannot NOT grieve”. When we love (something or someone) and lose, we grieve. And, when we resist the emotions, we often become exhausted. So, give in to the idea that we can grieve now or grief can surface in unhealthy ways another time. But we cannot NOT grieve.
2. Consider planning now how you will deal with the upcoming holidays by focusing only on this one year. Anticipate that the holidays will have sad and emotional times no matter what you do. But they will also have the potential for sweet and tender moments. Possibly even fleeting moments of joy. Sitting down to “make a plan” will also offer the potential for emotions of loss to surface in privacy. (Pre-emptive planning is a term that I have learned from Dr. O’Malley when folks are anticipating a time of loss. I like that term and I think it is appropriate when dealing with grief around the holiday season).

Finally, as a congregation of faith, we are reminded and encouraged by the passage of scripture which reminds us that we do not grieve as those without hope. This means that in the midst of our grief, we believe that life does not end with physical death. (1^st Thessalonians 4:13).  

In our next article, we will discuss common symptoms of grief as well as other ways of planning the holidays “pre-emptively.”

 

The articles on Coping with Grief and Loss during the Holidays are provided by Deb Sewell, lay minister and grief/bereavement support at Arborlawn UMC. This is the first in a series of 3 articles in preparation for Hope for the Holidays.

Each article will include insights from Dr. Patrick O’Malley, a psychotherapist in Fort Worth, Texas, specializing in grief counseling. For 35 years, he has counseled individuals, couples and families in his private practice. Dr. O'Malley is currently writing a new book about grief recovery. More information on Dr. O'Malley can be found at his website: http://drpatrickomalley.com. 

Hope for the Holidays: Thursday, November 19, at 7:00 p.m.: Comfort, Hope, and Inspiration

Hope for the Holidays at Arborlawn UMC offers comfort, hope
and inspiration for people grieving during Thanksgiving
and the holidays.

This annual service is a safe harbor
for those who have experienced loss in its many forms.

Arborlawn United Methodist Church has announced its annual Hope for the Holidays worship service, created for and dedicated to individuals and families struggling with grief in its various forms. The inter-denominational service, open to the public at no charge, will begin at 7:00 p.m., on Thursday, November 19, 2015, in the sanctuary. Arborlawn offers transportation for those who might need it, as well as childcare for families with young children.

 “The holidays can be darker than ever imagined for all who struggle with grief in its various forms,” explained Deb Sewell, event founder. “Anyone struggling with the death of a loved one, the end of a marriage, a loss of a job or a move to a new home in an unfamiliar city often looks at the holidays with a sad heart. Hope for the Holidays can help.  Our goal is to normalize what these people are feeling.”

Eleven years ago, Hope for the Holidays was founded as a response to the difficulties that often arise when society encourages those experiencing grief to join right in with the holiday festivities, forgetting that the sights and sounds may trigger painful memories that increase hurt.

According to Ms. Sewell, highly experienced in grief and bereavement support, one of the key elements of the service is an opportunity for audience members to hear that first holiday song since experiencing a loss.

“Without exception, every grief group I have facilitated has expressed that they could face the holidays were it not for that first Christmas carol,” she explained. “We understand and have created a way to reintroduce the music into their lives in a gentle, understanding way.”

The Hope for the Holidays service presents inspirational talks, prayer, choreographed ballet, a string quartet, and exquisite choral arrangements. During the ceremony, attendees are invited to place an emblem or token of loss on the altar -- a picture, a flower, a trinket or another meaningful symbol of loss. Tenderly interwoven into the service are pragmatic ideas about navigating the holiday season within these complex situations.

Among them, Hope for the Holidays offers these recommendations:

1. First, remember to be just as compassionate and considerate of yourself as you would be with someone else grieving a significant loss. Lower your expectations of yourself and others around you who are also grieving. 
2. Don’t be afraid to express feelings of grief, sadness or loss. Find caring, compassionate friends and relatives who will be patient with you. Be honest about how difficult certain aspects of the holiday season can be.
3. Be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits, because whenever grief revisits, so does its partner -- fatigue. Anticipate lower energy. Listen when your body tells you to “slow down and stop.” Keep your heart and eyes open to see, as you are able, simple blessings. Appreciate these blessings with thankful peace.
4. Join us at Hope for the Holidays, designed expressly for you.

For more information, visit the Arborlawn UMC Hope for the Holidays Facebook page, the Arborlawn website, our FAQ's post, or call 817-731-0701 and ask for Christa.
 
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ArborlawnUMC.org

FACTs & FAQ’s: Hope for the Holidays

EVENT ESSENTIALS:  November 19, 2015, at 7:00 p.m., Sanctuary Arborlawn UMC, 5001 Briarhaven Road, 76109

EVENT OVERVIEW:

This service was created to offer inspiration and hope with tangible ways to get through the holidays in spite of loss.

There will be beautiful music, a brief message of inspiration and an opportunity to lay a token / emblem of loss (picture, flower or letter) on the altar. Flowers will be provided for those needing a token.

If you or someone you know is dreading the holiday season, please invite them, offer to pick them up, sit with them as they enjoy the beauty of this service.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

LOGISTICS QUESTIONS

- How long is the service?  About 1½ hours.

- Is admission charged or an offering taken?  No.  Hope for the Holidays is Arborlawn’s gift to the community.

- Is everyone supposed to get a flower?  Roses are primarily for those who forgot to bring a memento, but don’t deny anyone.

- May I put my candle / memento on the kneeling rail now, or should I wait?  Participants may put items on the kneeling rail before being seated; or they may wait until the designated time during the service.

- May I sit in the balcony?  Of course.

- Is there certain seating for those who have lost children?  Or for those who are survivors of suicide?  Arborlawn has not designated specific seating.  However, in the past the survivors of suicide have sat as a group.

- What about transportation?  Yes, these services are available for those who make arrangements with the church (817-731-0701) in early November.

- Will anyone be available to talk with me after the service?  Yes, pastors will be in the sanctuary for a short time after the service.

- Is a nursery/childcare available?  Yes.

- Is the service appropriate for children?  What ages?  Yes, Grief is a family affair. But most children younger than 7 have difficulty sitting still.  If they have attended a funeral, they will have an idea of the solemnity of the evening.  There will be flowers for the children to place on the altar in memory of the person who died.  Children may want to place tokens on the altar.

- - -

“IN-DEPTH” QUESTIONS

- I’m wondering if I should have come or not.  This is normal.  Some individuals may be more comfortable sitting in the balcony, the chapel, or the downstairs cry room.  Offer to find someone to talk with them (Melissa or pastoral staff).

- How soon after a loss is too soon to attend?  Usually less than a month is probably too soon. But we have had those attend with losses in less time.

- Is there a lot of crying?  “I don’t mourn in public.” It is not uncommon to hear sniffling, but that’s about it.  If you’ve lost someone, tears are one of the best tools for healing.  But, the service ALWAYS ends in inspiration and the focus of HOPE. There is always a moment of laughter during the evening.

- How can participants learn more about the grief process?  A variety of grief information will be available.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Need more information?  Please call the Arborlawn UMC office, 817-731-0701.

Hope for the Holidays: Thursday, November 20 at 7:00 p.m.: Comfort, Hope, and Inspiration

 
We invite everyone to be a part of Hope for the Holidays on Thursday, November 20 at 7:00 p.m. in the Sanctuary. This annual service the week before Thanksgiving offers comfort, hope, and inspiration to those who navigate the holidays while grieving.
 
[Related article: Coping Strategies for Grief During the Holidays: Children and Grief, Part 2.]
 

This year’s Lay Speaker is Bonnie Melhart, Associate Provost and Dean at Texas Christian University. Dr. Melhart will be sharing some thoughts on recovery after a loss and the role of her faith in the midst of that loss.
 
The magic of the holidays is often missing for those suffering grief and loss. Bright lights with the sounds of music do not always lift heavy hearts. If you are experiencing the loneliness and sadness of loss, you are not alone. We will honor and remember our losses in an atmosphere of faith, hope, and love.
 
We invite those who attend this service to bring a memento or symbol of loss - a photo, a coin, or some other meaningful item - to place on the altar. At the end of the service, you may either leave your memento or take it home with you. Flowers and candles will be available if you don't have a memento.
 
Please call the church office at 817-731-0701 if you need child care or a ride to the service. Free valet parking will be available for the service.
 
Arborlawn’s Prayer Ministry is conducting a Prayer Walk prior to this year’s Hope for the Holidays service. If you would like to participate in the Prayer Walk, please meet in the Lower Commons at 5:00 p.m. on Thursday, November 20.
 
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ArborlawnUMC.org

Hope for the Holidays: Thursday, November 20 at 7:00 p.m.: Comfort, Hope, and Inspiration

 
We invite everyone to be a part of Hope for the Holidays on Thursday, November 20 at 7:00 p.m. in the Sanctuary. This annual service the week before Thanksgiving offers comfort, hope, and inspiration to those who navigate the holidays while grieving.
 
[Related article: Coping Strategies for Grief During the Holidays: Children and Grief, Part 1.]
 

This year’s Lay Speaker is Bonnie Melhart, Associate Provost and Dean at Texas Christian University. Dr. Melhart will be sharing some thoughts on recovery after a loss and the role of her faith in the midst of that loss.
 
The magic of the holidays is often missing for those suffering grief and loss. Bright lights with the sounds of music do not always lift heavy hearts. If you are experiencing the loneliness and sadness of loss, you are not alone. We will honor and remember our losses in an atmosphere of faith, hope, and love.
 
We invite those who attend this service to bring a memento or symbol of loss - a photo, a coin, or some other meaningful item - to place on the altar. At the end of the service, you may either leave your memento or take it home with you. Flowers and candles will be available if you don't have a memento.
 
Please call the church office at 817-731-0701 if you need child care or a ride to the service. Free valet parking will be available for the service.
 
Arborlawn’s Prayer Ministry is conducting a Prayer Walk prior to this year’s Hope for the Holidays service. If you would like to participate in the Prayer Walk, please meet in the Lower Commons at 5:00 p.m. on Thursday, November 20.
 
# # #
 
ArborlawnUMC.org

Hope for the Holidays: Thursday, November 20 at 7:00 p.m.: Comfort, Hope, and Inspiration

 
We invite everyone to be a part of Hope for the Holidays on Thursday, November 20 at 7:00 p.m. in the Sanctuary. This annual service the week before Thanksgiving offers comfort, hope, and inspiration to those who navigate the holidays while grieving.
 
[Related article: Coping Strategies for Grief During the Holidays.]
 

This year’s Lay Speaker is Bonnie Melhart, Associate Provost and Dean at Texas Christian University. Dr. Melhart will be sharing some thoughts on recovery after a loss and the role of her faith in the midst of that loss.
 
The magic of the holidays is often missing for those suffering grief and loss. Bright lights with the sounds of music do not always lift heavy hearts. If you are experiencing the loneliness and sadness of loss, you are not alone. We will honor and remember our losses in an atmosphere of faith, hope, and love.
 
We invite those who attend this service to bring a memento or symbol of loss - a photo, a coin, or some other meaningful item - to place on the altar. At the end of the service, you may either leave your memento or take it home with you. Flowers and candles will be available if you don't have a memento.
 
Please call the church office at 817-731-0701 if you need child care or a ride to the service. Free valet parking will be available for the service.
 
# # #
 
ArborlawnUMC.org

Hope for the Holidays: Thursday, November 20 at 7:00 p.m.: Comfort, Hope, and Inspiration

 
We invite everyone to be a part of Hope for the Holidays on Thursday, November 20 at 7:00 p.m. in the Sanctuary. This annual service the week before Thanksgiving offers comfort, hope, and inspiration to those who navigate the holidays while grieving.
 

This year's Lay Speaker is Bonnie Melhart, Associate Provost and Dean at Texas Christian University. Dr. Melhart will be sharing some thoughts on recovery after a loss and the role of her faith in the midst of that loss.
 
The magic of the holidays is often missing for those suffering grief and loss. Bright lights with the sounds of music do not always lift heavy hearts. If you are experiencing the loneliness and sadness of loss, you are not alone. We will honor and remember our losses in an atmosphere of faith, hope, and love.
 
We invite those who attend this service to bring a memento or symbol of loss - a photo, a coin, or some other meaningful item - to place on the altar. At the end of the service, you may either leave your memento or take it home with you. Flowers and candles will be available if you don't have a memento.
 
Please call the church office at 817-731-0701 if you need child care or a ride to the service. Free valet parking will be available for the service.
 
# # #
 
ArborlawnUMC.org

Hope for the Holidays blesses many hearts this year

 
By Deb Sewell
 
[Editor's Note: This article summarizes this year's Hope for the Holidays service, which was held on Thursday, November 21 in the Sanctuary. Hope for the Holidays offers comfort, hope, and inspiration for those who navigate the holidays while grieving.]
 
Candles were lit and violins played as Arborlawn welcomed attendees for this year’s Hope for the Holidays worship service on Thursday, November 21. Some came in quietly and sat in the balcony; others made their way to the front kneeling rails, lighting a candle before worship started. Several drove many miles from various congregations and denominations around the Metroplex. But, they came with one purpose: in search of peace, hope, and inspiration to help them face a season of memories; in search of strength and faith renewed. Some attended whose loss was just within days; while the losses of others might be counted in months or years. But for all the message was the same: we are dearly loved by a God who has never left our side; a God who is standing with us in our hours of loneliness, in our questions, and in our pain.
 
Deb Sewell welcomed those attending and applauded their courage for attending. She then explained the role of music in the journey of grief as a gift from God to help, not hinder our healing. She talked about “…the love-hate relationship we have with music when we are emotionally vulnerable.” She encouraged the congregation to take a step courageously by attempting to sing or hum a Christmas carol. Through tears, many joined her in singing their first Christmas carol of the season. Under the direction of Lisa Garrett and Tom Stoker, The Arborlawn Singers combined their voices with the music of Versa Strings. The musicians were accompanied by a ballet beautifully choreographed by Carrie Cheng to  the medley “Silent Night/Peace Peace.”
 
The lay speaker this year was Lee Jennings, a member of Arborlawn for many years. Lee spoke about God’s presence beside him throughout the early years of childhood abuse, and neglect. The instruction he received from "angels" who crossed his path helped him survive the childhood trauma as well as the years he spent caring for his wife, Diane through early onset Alzheimer’s disease. But, the theme flowing throughout his story were the “angels” (friends, family, even strangers) who offered direction, companionship, and support just when he needed it. Lee is convinced it was the hand of God, reassuring him that he was not alone, continuing with what he learned from the struggles through childhood and the difficult journey with Diana: the power of prayer, the closeness of God never leaving his side. He learned to dwell as much as possible not on what he had lost, but the blessings along the way and the ones still remaining. There were many smiles and some laughter when Lee shared about his lovely wife being late to everything; that even her pallbearers were instructed to bring her casket in 10 minutes into her funeral service so he could say that she was indeed “late to her own funeral.” He asked the congregation to trust God in their darkest hours to show them the way, looking forward to better days ahead as healing comes. “I learned that love endures and death do us NOT part. I learned that God loves me and he loves all of us.” He then closed with John 14:27: “I am leaving you with a gift — peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”   
 
Ben Disney’s devotional told about all of us only having one thing when we leave this world: our story. But right along with that story is the gift of knowing that Jesus came to suffer for each of us in order to suffer WITH us; because at some point and time in all of our lives, suffering and heartache will find its way to us. When that happens our lives become about knowing where to look for answers. Pastor Disney’s repeating scripture throughout his brief talk was: The eternal God is your refuge and underneath are the everlasting arms - that will always catch us when we fall.
 
The congregation was then invited to lay a token of their loss on the communion rail as they knelt and prayed. The items offered represented the broken hearts of many but also a desire to surrender their pain and grief as they were able and willing.
 
This year Rev. Laraine Waughtal, Disaster Response Coordinator for the Central Texas Conference of the UMC, prayed a special prayer over the communities of West, Texas and Hood County as they continue to recover from their disasters this past year. They were represented by some First Responders from the West disaster as well as EMTs, a Fire Department Chaplain, the Hood County Fire Marshal, and the Director of EMS for Hood County. The token they placed to represent their loss was the helmet of one of the nine First Responders killed in West. The closing reading was provided by the Brake family and Rev. Sandra Lydick of Fort Worth’s Crime Victim’s Council.
 
The evening concluded with the congregation raising their voices together singing “Lord of all Hopefulness.” Deb Sewell gave closing words of encouragement, asking those grieving to turn toward one another and then turn toward the One who promised to never leave or forsake them. Those who wished to were invited to take communion in the Elizabeth Cramer Chapel. Grief literature was available to all, and beautiful hand sewn Prayer Pockets were provided by members of Arborlawn's Blessings in Stitches Ministry.
 
Since their placement on the altar on November 21, the Hope for the Holidays memorial tokens, as well a the individuals and families they represent, have been tenderly prayed over by the Hope for the Holidays ministry team and several church prayer teams, including the pastoral staff. The boxed tokens will be placed in Arborlawn's Prayer Room where they will stay until spring. At that time, they will be taken and gently placed in the Arborlawn Prayer Garden.
 
A special thanksgiving is offered for those who worked so diligently. God’s face appeared in your loving actions to those whose hearts are broken. Through you, God offered His hope and His light in their darkness. You were like the angels mentioned in our lay speaker’s talk who made such a difference in his life. For more details about Hope for the Holidays and links to various articles and resources from this year and previous years, please visit ArborlawnUMC.org/Hope.
 
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ArborlawnUMC.org

Hope for the Holidays service this Thursday, November 21 at 7:00 p.m.

 
We invite you to be a part of our annual Hope for the Holidays service this Thursday, November 21, at 7:00 p.m. in the Sanctuary. Doors will open at 6:45 p.m. for those wishing to light a candle before the service starts.
 
Lee Jennings is our Lay Speaker for this year's service. Lee's presentation - Angels Among Us - is his personal story of loss and challenges he and his wife faced with her diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer's. But more than that you will hear his story of hope and inspiration; how, even in the darkest times, God never left his side.
 

Hope for the Holidays offers comfort, hope, and inspiration to those who are dealing with grief during this otherwise joyous time of the year. The magic of the holidays is often missing for those suffering grief and loss. Bright lights with the sounds of music do not always lift heavy hearts. If you are experiencing the loneliness and sadness of loss, you are not alone. We will honor and remember our losses in an atmosphere of faith, hope, and love.
 
You are invited to bring a memento or symbol of your loss - a photo, a coin, or some other meaningful item - to place on the altar. At the end of the service, you may either leave your memento or take it home with you. Flowers and candles will be available if you don't have a memento.
 
Please call the church office at 817-731-0701 if you need child care or a ride to the service. Free valet parking will be available for the service.
 
- - -
 
Prayer Walk this Wednesday at 5:00 p.m.
for Hope for the Holidays
 
Arborlawn's Prayer Ministry is conducting a Prayer Walk the day before our Hope for the Holidays service. If you would like to participate in the Prayer Walk, please meet in the Lower Commons at 5:00 p.m. on Wednesday, November 20.

Hope for the Holidays: Thursday, November 21

 
We invite you to be a part of this year's Hope for the Holidays service on Thursday, November 21 at 7:00 p.m. in the Sanctuary. This year's Lay Speaker is Lee Jennings.
 

The magic of the holidays is often missing for those suffering grief and loss. Bright lights with the sounds of music do not always lift heavy hearts. If you are experiencing the loneliness and sadness of loss, you are not alone. Please join us for a service honoring and remembering our losses in an atmosphere of faith, hope, and love; where prayers, music, and messages by both clergy and lay persons will comfort and uplift you. It is our prayer that you will leave with your spirit renewed.
 
You are invited to bring a memento or symbol of your loss to place on the altar. Flowers and candles will be available if you don't have a memento. Doors will open at 6:45 p.m. for those wishing to light a candle before the service starts.
 
Please call the church office at 817-731-0701 if you need child care or a ride to the service. Free valet parking will be available for the service.
 
Related: Tears Are Honest
 
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ArborlawnUMC.org

Lee Jennings speaking at Hope for the Holidays service on November 21

 
Our lay speaker for this year’s Hope for the Holidays service is Lee Jennings, a longtime Arborlawn member. Hope for the Holidays is Thursday, November 21 at 7:00 p.m. in the Sanctuary.
 
Lee's presentation - Angels Among Us - is his personal story of loss and challenges he and his wife faced with her diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer's. But more than that you will hear his story of hope and inspiration; how, even in the darkest times, God never left his side.
 
Lee is a simulator instructor training corporate pilots from the U.S. and more than 150 other countries. Having spent time as a commissioned officer with the USAF, he flew 155 B-52 combat missions in North and South Vietnam, spending many years as an intelligence officer for NATO and for the SAC airborne command post. He retired from Delta Airlines in 2003 and was voted Best of the Best from 120 flight instructors at the DFW flight training center.
 
Lee is  presently a simulator and classroom instructor in Gulfstream’s newest and most advanced corporate jet, the G280 and is a type rating examiner for the United States, 30 European countries, Hong Kong, Australia, and Israel. He also flies the G280 as a contract pilot for several major U.S. corporations, often with the same pilots he has trained. He has been a pilot since 1966 and has accumulated over 21,000 hours in civilian, military, and airline flying.
 
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ArborlawnUMC.org

Hope for the Holidays: Tears Are Honest

 
[Editor’s Note: This is the fourth and final in a series of articles leading up to our annual Hope for the Holidays service. We invite you to be a part of this special and memorable occasion on Thursday, November 21 at 7:00 p.m. in Arborlawn's Sanctuary.]
 
By Deb Sewell
 
As we approach this year’s Hope for the Holidays service on Thursday, November 21, we have addressed some of the common questions related to grief recovery in the weekly editions of The Vine.
 
"How long will it take to recover from grief” was one of the questions discussed a few weeks ago. Coincidentally, the following week we were reading in The Story about the death of Aaron and the mourning that followed.
 

In Numbers 20:29 we read: “When the people realized that Aaron had died, all Israel mourned for him for thirty days.”
 
Think about this: For THIRTY days approximately 600,000 people stopped everything to mourn the death of Aaron. Various versions read “they wailed,” “they lamented,” “they wept,” "they cried out.” For THIRTY days the entire community stopped everything as they sought restoration and healing for their loss, in community.
 
Thirty days of mourning is still very common in Third World countries, with grief expressed publicly. Withholding your tears and grief is seen as rude; open displays of grief are expected even from men and young children. Everyone is taught and encouraged to cry together from a very early age.
 
On the other hand, here in the West, we typically prefer our grief, weeping, and mourning to be tidy, neat, and out of sight (especially from our children). Secondly, we hope to be back in the swing of normalcy in a couple of weeks: kids back to school, adults back to work. With the death of an immediate family member, the unspoken or spoken expectation is to return to employment within the first month. Yet, during that first month, there is often little time for mourning, due to the handling of the legal aspects surrounding the death. As a result, many who are still grieving return to work, holding it together until they once again return home at the end of the workday, physically and emotionally spent. Parents grieving the loss of a child or the loss of their own parent usually have other children needing care. These responsibilities reduce the time or opportunity needed to grieve adequately, particularly if the adult is hiding emotions of sadness and loss from children or other family members. As a result, we appear to have become a nation of "part-time" grievers - or grief-postponed, grief-replaced, or grief-minimized - waiting for restoration of our lives, our spirits.
 
That being said, I shouldn’t be surprised to hear the same questions asked again this year as we approach Hope for the Holidays:
 
“Will there be public mourning or crying at the Hope for the Holidays service?” “Will I have to cry in public?” “I prefer to cry in private and am not very comfortable around others who cry publicly." “I was reared that it is improper to cry in public.” “I’m afraid if I come to the service, I’ll start crying. And if I start, I’ll never stop.”
 
Do we know why we in the West are so afraid of our tears? Intuitively all of us know that we feel better after a good cry. And, we DO stop. It may take awhile, but we do stop crying. And, after a good cry, it is so much easier to find a laugh that has been dormant deep inside longing to find its way to the surface. There is a big sense of release.
 
According the Center for Grief Recovery, tears have a biological release: tears release endorphins; tears elevate the mood; tears function as pain relievers; tears release tension; tears release physical distress.
 
Tears are honest. Tears take over when our words fail. Tears break down  walls.
 
I heard an interview on a popular morning news show interviewing first graders on the heels of 9-11. The topic was tears. One little boy said that he let himself cry when he needed to because he figured out his tears actually started in his tummy - somewhere around his heart - and then moved up through his throat. And he had to let them out because, if he didn’t, his throat and face hurt and then he got a stomach ache. So, he said it’s just easier to cry and let it just come out of your eyes and get it over with.
 
Though humorous, this is wisdom from the mouth of a babe. How many times when swallowing back tears, do you find your throat gets tight and tense, with more tension moving into your shoulders and neck, into your jaws and then a headache starts?
 
“…all of Israel mourned for him for thirty days.”
 
Yes, there will be tears at Hope for the Holidays. Usually very quietly, and you may hear some sniffling. And, it’s okay. When you think about it, there should be no safer place for tears than in a church sanctuary, under the cross of the One who said He came to care for the broken hearted and give us beauty for ashes and joy for our mourning. Or, as the wise 1st grade boy said, “When you need to, just cry, go ahead and get it over with.” And, yes, the tears will stop; but God never stops collecting each one as they fall.
 
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ArborlawnUMC.org

Hope for the Holidays: Thursday, November 21, 7:00 p.m.

 
We invite you to be a part of this year's Hope for the Holidays service on Thursday, November 21 at 7:00 p.m. in the Sanctuary.
 

The magic of the holidays is often missing for those suffering grief and loss. Bright lights with the sounds of music do not always lift heavy hearts. If you are experiencing the loneliness and sadness of loss, you are not alone. Please join us for a service honoring and remembering our losses in an atmosphere of faith, hope, and love; where prayers, music, and messages by both clergy and lay persons will comfort and uplift you. It is our prayer that you will leave with your spirit renewed.
 
You are invited to bring a memento or symbol of your loss to place on the altar. Flowers and candles will be available if you don’t have a memento.
 
Please call the church office at 817-731-0701 if you need child care or a ride to the service.
 
Related: God Is Walking With Them... But How Long Does It Take?
 
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ArborlawnUMC.org

Hope for the Holidays: God Is Walking With Them… But How Long Does it Take?

 
By Deb Sewell
 
[Editor’s Note: This is the third in a series of articles leading up to our annual Hope for the Holidays service. Join us on Thursday, November 21 at 7:00 p.m. in the Sanctuary for this special and memorable time of hope and comfort.]
 
In the previous article we described certain aspects of grieving and about how to companion beside someone grieving a significant loss. We also discussed the importance of active listening.
 
Recently I had the opportunity to hear Susan Van Volkenburgh tell her story, based on her book, Silent Resolve and the God Who Let Me Down. Susan's father was on flight 77 that crashed into the Pentagon on 9-11.
 
During the Q&A session, she was asked what words of comfort and assurance helped their family through this horrific time of trying to recover the bodies of 9-11, interviews with FBI and Secret Service, explaining the crimes of terror to her children, and the grief. She pondered and thought and said that the most comfort was from those who said nothing, but who were present with her in silence and in weeping.
 
On the flip side, there is a chapter in her book recalling those trying to help by saying "Just put it behind‚" or "It's time to move on." For those of you who have mourned a significant loss, you would do anything to just put it behind and move on. You just want someone to tell you how. You ache for things to be "normal" again.
 
How long does it take to "move on"? How long will they grieve? Just as no thumbprint is the same, no experience of grief is the same. Our life experiences, our depth of love, depth of disappointment, betrayals, complications in relationships, circumstances; all of these play a significant role in the time and work it takes to fully recover. Healing from a deep loss is rarely linear; rather, it is cyclical and often compound.
 
C.S. Lewis described grief as spiral, meaning you climb your way up out of the pit of darkness and depression. It is exhausting; in weariness, you simply give out and slide back down. Grief is immensely fatiguing. When your strength is replenished, you once again start the climb. The good news is that each time you climb, you don't slide as far down as in previous times.
 
The other aspect to consider about the length of grief is whether it is compounded or complicated. For example, if it's the loss of a spouse who was also their best friend, they long to talk with their best friend about the loss of their spouse and vice versa; their loss is doubled or a compound loss. Compound can also refer to more than one significant loss in a short period of time.
 
Complicated grief typically is grief that can have the potential to become chronic - meaning lasting much longer - for it to fully resolve. This can result from a grief that was traumatic - a death that was premature, out of order, sudden, violent, or unexpected. Complicated grief can also be the result of a weary caregiver privately wishing their loved one would pass away. As adult children watch a parent, or a spouse watches their loved one decline over the months or years with a poor quality of life, the pain and exhaustion for the caregiver can become unbearable. They secretly wish to see their loved one pass on. When they do, there is often an associated guilt, which can slow the recovery. If complicated grief does become chronic, it will usually require the attention of a counselor with expertise in chronic or complicated grief.
 
Rarely will the recovery of a significant loss be less than a year, usually closer to three years, or until there is a significant "sense of resolve" regarding the loss. According to Dr. Alan Wolfelt, noted author and speaker on issues of grief, the term "closure" is far more appropriate finalizing a real estate deal and far less appropriate when discussing a deep loss. There is rarely closure when you've experienced an "out of order" death, especially that of a child or a spouse.
 
If you have been blessed to be a companion with a friend or family member on a journey through loss and grief, consider it a privilege and a calling. It is a high calling. The apostle Paul told the new believers at the church at Corinth that God comforts us in our troubles so that we can comfort others and we comfort them with the same comfort God has given us when we needed comfort.
 
And, the good news is that even though we carry fragments of our loss and grief with us for as long as we breathe, God has created us to be resilient. Most of us really do experience healing and renewal in time; and with work, we will notice tiny seeds of hope begin to take root and buds of life begin to grow gently in the places where desolation existed. The other good news is that - most of the time - the one grieving will sense the presence of a loving God, who never left their side.
 
In the meantime, be gentle with them, and be gentle with yourself, knowing this isn't a sprint that lasts just days or weeks; rather, for most, it will last several years. In grief care, the saying is: "It takes as long as it takes and no one wants it over sooner than the one grieving."
 
Finally, remember: this is their grief to bear, not yours. It is not your job to make them happy again. The only One to carry this burden with and for them is the One who created them. May we say with thankful hearts: "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5 Amplified.
 
[Editor's Note: If you find yourself dealing with a crisis or going through rough times, remember Arborlawn is blessed with Stephen Ministers who are trained to listen, care, encourage, and provide emotional and spiritual support with Christ-centered care. Contact Bryan Bellamy in the church office (817-731-0701) for more details about our Stephen Ministry.]
 
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ArborlawnUMC.org

Hope for the Holidays: Thursday, November 21, 7:00 p.m.

 
We invite you to be a part of this year's Hope for the Holidays service on Thursday, November 21 at 7:00 p.m. in the Sanctuary.
 

The magic of the holidays is often missing for those suffering grief and loss. Bright lights with the sounds of music do not always lift heavy hearts. If you are experiencing the loneliness and sadness of loss, you are not alone. Please join us for a service honoring and remembering our losses in an atmosphere of faith, hope, and love; where prayers, music, and messages by both clergy and lay persons will comfort and uplift you. It is our prayer that you will leave with your spirit renewed.
 
You are invited to bring a memento or symbol of your loss to place on the altar. Flowers and candles will be available if you don’t have a memento.
 
Please call the church office at 817-731-0701 if you need child care or a ride to the service.
 
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ArborlawnUMC.org

Hope for the Holidays: Thursday, November 21, 7:00 p.m.

 
We invite you to be a part of this year's Hope for the Holidays service on Thursday, November 21 at 7:00 p.m. in the Sanctuary.
 

The magic of the holidays is often missing for those suffering grief and loss. Bright lights with the sounds of music do not always lift heavy hearts. If you are experiencing the loneliness and sadness of loss, you are not alone. Please join us for a service honoring and remembering our losses in an atmosphere of faith, hope, and love; where prayers, music, and messages by both clergy and lay persons will comfort and uplift you. It is our prayer that you will leave with your spirit renewed.
 
You are invited to bring a memento or symbol of your loss to place on the altar. Flowers and candles will be available if you don’t have a memento.
 
Please call the church office at 817-731-0701 if you need child care or a ride to the service.
 
Related: God Is Walking With Them
 
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ArborlawnUMC.org

Hope for the Holidays: God Is Walking With Them

 
By Deb Sewell
 
[Editor's Note: This is the second in a series of articles leading up to our annual Hope for the Holidays service on Thursday, November 21. We hope you'll join us that night at 7:00 p.m. in the Sanctuary for this special and memorable service.]
 
This time of year a gentle or not so gentle tug seems to invite us to consider the course of direction we are on, the shifts and perhaps the losses we have experienced in previous months. Such was the topic of conversation with a friend a couple of weeks ago. She mentioned although she is moving into her fourth decade of living, she had not experienced a substantial loss resulting in deep grief and mourning; hadn’t lost a grandparent, parent, sibling, or even a dear friend. She went on to say she had a friend who’s mother had died and she wanted to drop by for a visit, but didn’t have any idea how her friend felt. She asked me what grief felt like and I responded with a quote from a book I’d recently read: “I walked as if underwater, slogging through a swamp of molasses, with my arms and my legs having weights tied to them. I sat. I stared. For hours.”  (From "A Walk Through a Churchyard," the story of an Episcopal priest grieving the death of his wife.) 
 
The priest's description resonated with me so deeply. I often tell people it’s like swimming through a sea of Vaseline. You can see vaguely what’s happening around you, but nothing focuses clearly. It's as though you’re living in a bubble, hearing comments, seeing faces, watching lips move, but nothing can really touch you because you’re so numb but aching with pain at the same time and it can even hurt to be touched. I’ve also heard it described as wearing a tight fitting pair of shoes that hurt your feet. Just as you can think of nothing but your feet hurting, and getting out of those tight-pinching shoes, so it is with grief; you can think only of your pain and wondering when it will stop. You want to get out of it, longing to be comfortable again.
 
Try to envision those grieving a recent loss (a year or less) as though they were in a full body cast resulting from a horrible accident. After describing these sensations of grief to my friend, I asked her how that made her feel and asked that she multiply it by a thousand times and she might have an idea how it feels when someone is grieving a deep and significant loss. She then asked how she could be of help to her friend. Here is what I told her:
 
First of all, when in their presence, be willing to ask about their loss. We’re often tempted to talk about anything but their loss, thinking they need distraction from it. Most often, they want to talk about it. Invite them to tell their stories: “I’d like to hear more about the day she (say their name) died…” … “If you are willing, would you say more about your dad’s (use the name) funeral” … "Can you tell me more about the day the plane went down?” (The tornado hit your home, the marriage ended, job was lost, etc). Then be willing to listen.
 
I believe when Christians actively listen to one another, especially when one is grieving, it is a sacred, holy space that moves listening to a means of grace. If you have a pleasant memory to share, offer to share it, as those grieving receive comfort from such memories. Though you may see a tear run down a cheek, they are often longing to tell the story again and again of "how it happened," and it plays a significant role in their healing. Telling their stories again and again helps clarify in their minds the ambiguity and unwieldiness of loss, and questions are often answered for them as they tell and re-tell their stories - with "ah ha" moments. You may hear them say, “I really hadn’t thought of that until this very minute!”
 
Actively listening requires no answers from you. None; most especially when they come to the "whys" (as we discussed in last week’s article). It is not our responsibility to offer them the answers to the "whys" even when they look at you and ask it repeatedly. If you feel they are truly looking to you for an answer, just encourage them that God is very comfortable with our questioning "why" and invite them to maintain their continuing dialogue with God. It's okay to tell them you don’t have the answers. What is required of you is your courage to be there, fully present, knowing there isn’t anything you can say or do to make this better, other than simply offering your tenderness and compassion without advice, clichés or metaphors… and praying for them. Your companionship reminds them that God is walking with them. 2nd Corinthians 1:4 tells us that God comforts us in our all troubles so that we may comfort others.
 
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ArborlawnUMC.org

Hope for the Holidays: Thursday, November 21

 
We invite you to be a part of this year's Hope for the Holidays service on Thursday, November 21 at 7:00 p.m. in the Sanctuary.
 

The magic of the holidays is often missing for those suffering grief and loss. Bright lights with the sounds of music do not always lift heavy hearts. If you are experiencing the loneliness and sadness of loss, you are not alone. Please join us for a service honoring and remembering our losses in an atmosphere of faith, hope, and love; where prayers, music, and messages by both clergy and lay persons will comfort and uplift you. It is our prayer that you will leave with your spirit renewed.
 
You are invited to bring a memento or symbol of your loss to place on the altar. Flowers and candles will be available if you don’t have a memento.
 
Please call the church office at 817-731-0701 if you need child care or a ride to the service.
 
Related: Considering the "Why" Questions After a Loss
 
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ArborlawnUMC.org

Hope for the Holidays: Considering the "Why" questions after a loss

 
[Editor's Note: This is the first in a series of articles about grieving (and hope!) as we approach this year's Hope for the Holidays service on Thursday, November 21.]
 
By Deb Sewell
 
I recently heard a quote that stayed with me for several days:
 
"I would rather walk with God and not have my questions answered than have all my questions answered and not walk with God."
 
This is an excerpt from Rick Warren’s interview with a national talk show host, as he and his wife shared openly for the first time their son’s life-long struggle with mental illness, which ended in his completion of suicide at the age of 27.
 
Rick is senior teaching pastor at Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California and authored a bestselling hardback book selling 30 million copies. He pastors a mega church, which offers ministry to the homeless, those with AIDS, and literacy programs to hundreds. Considered by some to be a voice for many in the Christian community, he openly admits to “…crying every single day since Matthew died.” Like many in our congregation and community, the Warrens are on a journey through the grief of losing a child, struggling to make sense of the unthinkable.
 
"I would rather walk with God and not have my questions answered than have all my questions answered and not walk with God." 
 
After an unthinkable loss, we do ask questions and the first question is generally “Why?” We struggle to make sense of our loss - the death, the divorce, the betrayal, the abuse, the infertility, the addiction, etc. - believing if we can just make sense of it, the pain will stop. As time passes and we work through our grief, we do stop asking “why” as we come to understand fully that, most often, knowing the “why” will not stop the pain of the loss.
 
One of my favorite responses to the question of “why” and what to do when the unthinkable happens was offered by Dr. Cindy Ryan at the memorial service for Dr. Ken Diehm, former pastor of First United Methodist Church Grapevine, who died in February 2011 from an acute brain hemorrhage, with an undiagnosed form of leukemia. His death was a shock to his family, his community of faith, and to all who knew and loved him.
 
“What in the world do we do when the unthinkable has occurred?”
 
“First, we worship. Worship is our sanctuary,“ Ryan said “and it is through worship we are able to continue to stand."
 
"Second, we hold on to the Bible - the word of God; the promise that God is generous and God is good."
 
"Third, we express ourselves.” She continued to remind the congregation that Dr. Diehm encouraged questions and dialogue about living a life of faith, using one of a his commonly used phrases, “God does not cause bad things to happen, but God is with us every step of the way.”
 
“Fourth, we hold onto each other.” She quoted from C.S. Lewis, saying, “Grief is the price we pay for love, but we would never trade the loving in order to escape the grief."
 
"Fifth, we look up, because God is faithful.”
 
And, I think a codicil to the fifth point might be: Before we can ever fully get past the "whys" to the place of acceptance, we often come to a place of surrender, knowing we will never fully understand some things. With the passage of time and perspective, we remember we're never meant to fully understand some things. But, getting to that place of surrender and healing often requires that we go through the "valley of the shadow of death" in order to reach the place where we fully let go of the "whys" and move into the restoration of our souls.
 
I think most of us would concur with Rick Warren: We would rather walk with God and not have everything revealed than to fully understand all of our questions but be without the companionship of a loving, faithful God.
 
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ArborlawnUMC.org

Hope for the Holidays: Thursday, November 21, 7:00 p.m., Sanctuary

We invite you to join us for our annual Hope for the Holidays service on Thursday, November 21 at 7:00 p.m. in Arborlawn's Sanctuary.
 

The magic of the holidays is often missing for those suffering grief and loss. Bright lights with the sounds of music do not always lift heavy hearts. If you are experiencing the loneliness and sadness of loss, you are not alone. Please join us for a service honoring and remembering our losses in an atmosphere of faith, hope, and love; where prayers, music, and messages by both clergy and lay persons will comfort and uplift you. It is our prayer that you will leave with your spirit renewed.
 
You are invited to bring a memento or symbol of your loss to place on the altar. Flowers and candles will be available if you don’t have a memento.
 
Please call the church office at 817-731-0701 if you need child care or a ride to the service.
 
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ArborlawnUMC.org