By Deb Sewell
[Author's Note: As we plan for this year’s Hope for the Holidays service on Thursday, Nov. 15, we have visited topics in The Vine that might be helpful for the challenges families must face when confronted with a terminal diagnosis. Last week, we discussed that with the possibilities offered in the many wonderful advances being made in modern medicine, there is also a flipside: rather than saying a final “goodbye” to those we love in one tender moment, as we once did, (with instantaneous death or disease with a short prognosis), we now say goodbye again and again, with a grieving process that may extend over many years. We find ourselves saying goodbye in small increments, repeatedly, as we ride an emotional rollercoaster between acute crisis and seeming remission. --DS] One of the terms for a shift in grief and bereavement care is the New Grief, based on Joseph Nowinski’s book "Saying Goodbye." As a family of faith, we looked at the role we play and the gifts that we can offer to one another at Arborlawn in the opportunities of support for those around us on this journey of the New Grief.
[Editor's Note: Also read the article this week about this year's featured lay speaker at the Hope for the Holidays service on Thursday, Nov. 15. And read Part One of this series. ] Is it possible to find other gifts of renewal and healing through this New Grief that spans months and years, in the midst of lifestyles that are seemingly busier and more complicated than in previous generations?
One of the greatest of gifts offered is that of time families are given to confront family issues that may have been ignored for years. Much like the story that Ben Disney told in his sermon about the young twig that started growing in the middle of the living room floor and grew into a full sized tree with far reaching limbs and bird nests, most families have unresolved issues in the form of a twig or a tree that they would rather not discuss. Usually, the issues have been dormant for many years, are chronic, and are usually left unresolved. But, the stressors of a lengthy and terminal illness often invite opportunities for conversations inviting us to ask difficult questions.
Every family has a story, every family has a dance, every family has a system of rules with which they have operated for many, many years. Sometimes the systems are healthy, but more often they are not. There is nothing like a lengthy, terminal illness, with families dancing around the pressures of schedules and caregiving issues, to create a shift in family dynamics; but one not without conflict. With conflict directed constructively, however, comes the potential to re-create and redesign a stronger, healthier - and certainly more resilient - family community. This, then, is the good news: with the gift of time given in the framework of the New Grief, families can find renewal, even in the face of conflict and even in the face of loss. It takes courage. It takes intentionality. It takes, for many of us, immense amounts of time in prayer - asking for boldness at times and humility at other times; and always for direction. It often takes making a phone call and setting up family sessions with someone trained in family therapy. It often takes making a phone call to the Pastoral Care office at the church. I truly believe that healing and wholeness is the gift that God longs to give each of us; but the healing I have experienced with families going through the New Grief, with extended terminal illness, is not physical healing; rather, it’s the recognition that God longs to create something new, even something better, in the midst of loss. Honest, healthy, loving, authentic, transparent relationships in the family community.
In my personal experience, as well as in hospice settings, when the patient has finally reached the place of actively dying and letting go, they don’t. Rather, they may often linger many days and even several weeks, when there seems to be no physical reason for them to continue to survive. Yet, they do. I find myself amazed to see, time and time again, that it is in the midst of this waiting that situations peripheral to the patient (family members and caregivers) are where re-creation, healing, and new beginnings are taking place. In the midst of death, if you listen, you may faintly hear the words being whispered: “I have come to give you life... more abundantly.” Only the Creator of everything can offer this kind of life in the midst of loss and grief.
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