Once again this year we’re holding our special Hope for the Holidays service in advance of the holiday season. Join us Nov. 17 at 7 p.m. in the Sanctuary as we minister to hurting hearts, both in our church family and in the community around us. Hope for the Holidays worship combines beautiful music, inspiration, and prayer, offering those in attendance a chance to enter the season with comfort and hope. Everyone is invited to bring a token or symbol of loss to lay on the altar.

Coping Strategies for Grief During the Holidays
Part 3
To recap the discussion from Part 2, we learned that children grieve differently than adults. We also discussed the typical symptoms often seen in children who are grieving. They may have physical manifestations (i.e. tummy aches, nightmares, tantrums, be overly clingy or needy, become cranky, whine, even revert to baby talk). In grieving children of all ages, a change in grades and performance and change in friendships at school is a significant symptom, indicating the child would benefit by the help of a professional counselor.
In addition, they are less likely to experience continuing and intense grief feelings. One minute they may appear to be acting out their grief and the next playing happily like nothing has ever happened. This doesn’t mean they are fine or past their grief. Laughter and play doesn’t mean a child is through grieving.
Small children are not capable of abstract thinking and will look to you for facts to help them understand death. In addition, they may have difficulty putting their questions and fears into words. They will tend to act out their anger, fears, denial and wishful thinking. They are repetitive in their grief. They may come to you asking the same questions repeatedly because either they want a different answer or they just don’t understand the answer you’ve given them.
With every new stage of development, their grief may surface again as their understanding of loss and death changes. This also applies to special recurring events, such as birthdays.
Because children need to grieve as part of a family, they need your willingness to discuss death and loss with them. Here are a few suggestions to help children who are grieving:
Speak openly about what has happened, giving short, direct answers to their questions. Avoid using the terms “passed away,” “just sleeping,” or “we lost them,” as these terms cause confusion. Use the words die, died, and dead.
Tell the truth at a simple level; don’t lie. Be honest and specific. Children are intuitive and know when something doesn’t add up.
Allow the child to ask his or her own questions.
Help share memories, talking and even creating a memory book together, filled with pictures, stories, and drawings. This is something concrete that the person or object is now gone and helps them cope with the loss.
Be available and pay attention to their playtime. When you observe something different, gently approach them and encourage them to talk.
Realize that a grieving child may need a place to be alone, whether at school or at home.
Even very young children should have the option to attend the funeral. For their choice to be meaningful, you need to provide them details telling them what to expect, including viewing the body of the deceased. (A wonderful analogy for a child is to show them an empty sea shell; once holding a living creature, now gone. All that is left is the shell. So as they see this body, there is no longer a spirit or life inside the body). Reassure them their loved one is not cold, nor are they sleeping.
As much as possible, keep a normal routine for your child.
Listen, encourage them to talk about their loss again and again, as talking is the most effective tool for helping children and adolescents (and adults) deal with grief.
Share age appropriate books and videos together that discuss death and loss.
[ Part 3 resources: Journal of Hospice and Palliative Nursing, 2008; The Warm Place, Grief Support Center for Children; and We Were Gonna Have a Baby, But We Had an Angel Instead, by Pat Schweitzer. We will continue next week with Part 4. ]
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